"I'm Depressed on My Birthday" - Handling the Birthday Blues

It's Your Birthday . . . but You Feel Like Crying

Everyone knows what birthdays are supposed to look like, right? Maybe something like this: Having a good time with a bunch of friends, or a romantic dinner with someone special. Feeling secure and happy that your life is on track and you're right where you're supposed to be. Relishing in how young, vibrant, and beautiful you feel!

If that's what it's supposed to look like . . . then why is it that when my birthday rolls around I find myself lying in bed all day with the covers over my head and my phone turned off? Or spending the day crying into my pillow? Or drowning my blues in multiple bowls of ice cream? Sound familiar to you?

You may not even understand why birthdays seem to make you want to curl up in a ball and toss obscenities at the world.

There's one big, nasty word that has everything to do with why birthdays end up being exactly the opposite of what we think they should be: expectations. Sometimes, perhaps even most of the time, our expectations aren't met. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and sadness.

Read on to learn more about how this all works—and how to turn things around so you can have an enjoyable birthday this year!

That Nasty Word: Expectations

There are two kinds of expectations that can cause even the best of us to hole up in our barricaded bedroom eating birthday cake in the dark (come on, don't tell me I'm the only one).

Expectations about:

1. Where we are in our lives, and what we think our lives should look like at this point.
2. How we'd like the birthday celebration itself to to unfold.

All too often, birthdays become a reminder of all the things we haven't accomplished, all the ways we are behind our peers, or all the things we are lacking. Birthdays represent a milestone marker for all the expectations we have.

When my best friend turned 30, she was devastated. She cried for days. She had always thought that by the time she turned 30, she would be married with kids, living in her own home, complete with a garden and chickens in the back. Instead, when 30 rolled around, she was single, with no current prospects, and renting a room in a house with two other women. She mourned that picture-perfect life that she didn't have.

As for me, for the past decade I've been deluding myself into thinking that I'm still 21. I feel young and in my mind; 30-somethings are so old! (Apologies to those of you who are in your 30s or older. You are not old.) So when those birthdays come around, reminding me that I am a 30-something, I feel the loss of all that time with little to show for it. Where did a decade go?

Of course, as we age, it seems that there should be changes in terms of how we feel or where we are in our lives. I should finally be confident and disciplined, I tell myself. Instead, the illusion of continuity makes it seem as though I am the same person that I was back when I was 21. The growth is so gradual that sometimes it's easy to feel as if it has never happened. That's not true, of course—a lot of growth has happened. Don't let social media, society, and other influences dictate what your life "should" be like.

Remember, always live in the present, and know that probably everyone in the world experiences these feelings, at least sometimes. We all ruminate over unmet expectations. Focus on the positives, on all the things that you have accomplished, and on all the things that do make you happy.

Read on for more tips to help with your expectations on or around your birthday, or just in general.

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Birthday Week

When I was growing up, my family always celebrated "birthday week." Not a day, and not just a birthday dinner—a whole week! When it's your birthday week, no one better be asking you to do the dishes. Dinner is always your choice. You get taken out to eat for your birthday at least one day, and you get your favorite homemade meal another day. You get the restaurant birthday cake and the homemade birthday cake. You get a party with friends, a party with family, and if you have a significant other, you get a romantic birthday celebration as well. Presents trickle in throughout the week, and there are always plenty of additional surprises.

As I got older, birthday week started to fizzle out and turned into just one day. However, the expectation that birthdays should be a week of wonderfulness was still there. So after having to do the dishes on my birthday (can you imagine?!), and then marking the day with just dinner and a small gift, I felt neglected and unloved.

As a child, it's so easy to feel that birthdays and holidays are magical, but carrying those expectations into adulthood often leads to post-celebration blues. We focus so much on what things should be that we can't enjoy what is. A birthday dinner can be an absolutely lovely event, but if we use birthday week or any other expectation as a comparison, we ruin what could have been a great time.

8 Ways to Tackle Birthday Blues

So what's a person in birthday-blues recovery to do? Here are some ways to tackle or prevent the birthday blues:

1. Lower Your Expectations

Easier said than done, but try to lower your expectations. Don't expect anyone to do anything for you. Or expect that your birthday party will be a flop. This way, anything good that happens will be an unexpected and pleasant surprise!

2. Keep Busy

Don't wait around for someone else to do something for your birthday. Sitting around the house just gives you an opportunity to mull over the passage of time and be sad. You know what you'd like to do on your birthday, so schedule it! Get a birthday massage. Go on a birthday shopping spree. Go to the movies and watch whatever you want.

3. Remember All That You Have Accomplished

It's easy to gloss over everything that you have accomplished and end up feeling like time has passed with nothing to show for it. Try to focus on the positives because, remember, you are a rock star! So prove it to yourself. Go through old pictures of good times (warning: some people may become more depressed doing this, you know who you are), make a list of accomplishments, or even get a friend to remind you of your victories.

I have a friend who lists all her major "wins" from the previous year on her birthday. Sometimes they are things that are only meaningful to her—like getting into the habit of flossing. Other times, they are big life events—like running a marathon.

Spending time thinking about what you have done will keep you from thinking about all the things you haven't yet accomplished or that you think you should have accomplished. You've already accomplished a lot. Focus on that. Be proud.

4. Don't Wait for Someone Else to Make You Happy

Every year, for as long as I can remember, my mom has bought herself flowers for her birthday. She had always been disappointed when my dad didn't. So one year she bought flowers for herself, and she's been doing it ever since. She stopped waiting for someone else to make her happy. (They're still happily married, by the way.)

Remember, no one can read your mind, and no one is perfect. If you're waiting for someone else to make things special, you'll be disappointed. If there's something that will make you happy, then make it happen yourself!

5. Make a Plan to Make This Year Special

One of my coworkers told me that on her 50th birthday, she was afraid she would be depressed. So, she decided to make it an "adventure year." That year, she made it her goal to write 50 letters letting people know how much she loved them, try 50 new restaurants, vacation just 50 miles from her home, and complete 50 random acts of kindness. Try something like this for yourself!

6. Let Your Friends Know

While there are many who don't want any attention on their birthday, there are others who make it a point to mention it or who would like to be lavished with attention. If you're one of those people, don't be embarrassed to make a point of mentioning your birthday to friends and family.

You can be coy about it, too: "So I think I might schedule a massage for my birthday next week." That's all it takes. I've even seen my more blunt friends post on Facebook that they'll be having a birthday next week, as well. Go for it!

7. Know It's Okay to Mourn

Sometimes, we just need some time to be sad about what isn't, and what might not be. That's okay. You deserve that process and will feel better afterwards. Let yourself cry about the house that you don't own, the corporate position you haven't landed yet, and the significant other you may not have found yet. Then, get over it. You've got life ahead of you to live—don't waste more time than you need to in worrying about what isn't.

8. Learn From It

You may want to punch me in the face for saying so, but know that pain is there to teach you something. Maybe your birthday makes you feel lonely—that's true for many of us. However, you can also use that feeling to help motivate you to make an effort to get out more and meet people.

Perhaps you feel sad that you haven't accomplished as much as you feel you should. This might be a sign you need to be easier on yourself or give yourself more credit than you do.

Ask yourself, "How can I be better because of this moment?" instead of letting yourself sink into a dark hole of inactivity and depression. Also, find ways to be more compassionate and loving to yourself. Self-care is crucial, and you deserve it—especially on your birthday.

Be Kind to Yourself

Remember, it's normal to feel sad on your birthday. This isn't a sign that you're a failure or unloved. Think of someone you love and admire—it's likely they've felt some birthday sadness at one time or another, too. If you could tell that person something in that moment of sadness, what would you say? Now, tell yourself those same words.

Happy birthday! You're a rock star!

You're a Rock Star!

Seinfeld: "Happy Birthday, No Such Thing"

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

© 2013 JenBarn

Comments

It's me again on June 01, 2020:

I never liked birthdays. I just don't like that attention people gives me for just one day.

No good birthdays on April 09, 2020:

My birthday is a week away, I’ll be 18. My last few birthdays I’ve gotten depressed for various reasons. In 2016 my grandmother who I was very close to passed away. And every birthday since has been hard. I’ve always baked my own cake and had family over one day and gone out with friends another day, but it’s been hard, I just tried to stay happy and know that my grandmother I still there for me even if she’s passed on. This year, for my 18th birthday, I’d planned a week long Universal studios Orlando trip, as I’m a huge Harry Potter fan. But with the coronavirus stuff, I can’t go on my vacation, I can’t even go out for lunch with friends, and I certainly can’t have my family over. And to make matters worse, I’m way behind my friends. My bestie is a year older than me, and at 18 had already earned her associates degree in psychology. I’m struggling to graduate high school and have no plan for my future...

1!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!! on February 02, 2018:

Im tired though i never wanted a birthday with o many people aroung i just want to be with my mom but shes so far away overseas i am surrounded by people feel lonely inside................anyways people around me think that im attention seeking but im not

hero on February 02, 2018:

i feel like nobody's giving a heck about my existance i'm a good person and i always try my best to make people happy yet here i am on my birthday and not a single wish i kept wondering if it's hard for someone to make u happy with two words i'm not even expecting gifts or cakes all i want is a single i'm glad that you're born

bethany kelly on January 15, 2018:

i am sad because it is my grandmas birthday this thursday and then a week on wednesday it is my grandmas -g's birthday

Caileigh on January 01, 2018:

Yeah um, both of my siblings are gone for the day and so is my mum. My dad has his own friends over and I've gotten minimal acknowledgement from friends and family. I REALLY just wanted to feel loved and appreciated but instead, I'm just alone. (1st of Jan)

Jack on December 11, 2017:

Well.. I'm here cuz it's my birthday and I feel empty.. it would have been nice if I was sad or happy or at least feel something but I just feel empty..

Me again on December 05, 2017:

You don't need to post my story about NY, I just needed to vent

Nobody Cares on December 05, 2017:

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I moved to New York from 3,000 miles away a few months ago and it's taken me forever to make friends. I finally made some and a week ago told them I wanted to go get tacos for my birthday. At that time, they told me they were already going to be busy Wednesday night. So I moved on to the next friend, or person I thought was a friend, who stopped replying to my texts recently. So I left a hand written note on Sunday night: "My birthday is Wednesday. Would you like to get tacos with me? Please let me know." They let me know by never responding.

My co-workers are all New Yorkers and have their lives full of family and friends; there's no time or need for me so I didn't even mention my birthday was coming up. I already called in sick tomorrow because I would just be crying all day.

I turned 18 in New York on a high school field trip and it was wonderful! I'll be 37 tomorrow and not a single person will tell me happy birthday in person. Sure, my parents will FaceTime me and my grandparents already called me tonight, but it's not the same. It won't be the same tomorrow when I sit alone eating tacos, trying to hold back tears, and buying myself a little cupcake and singing to myself in my head on the street thinking how 20 years ago my teacher and friends did the same thing for me and made me feel special in Chinatown.

I've never really had a significant other, nor do I feel that I've accomplished a anything substantial in my career. I have no children or house. Just a few college degrees and student loan debt to show for my "success."

So, it's not even about the gifts (I've had birthdays before with no gifts). It's about having company and not being alone and somebody to look you in the eye and tell you "Happy Birthday" with love and to mean it. Am I selfish for wanting that?

Firefly7 on October 26, 2017:

these tips are cute but mostly your lifes story. In the real world sometimes some of us are on fixed incomes and can't run to a mall to go on shopping sprees which wouldn't make anyone happy anyway. I am single with a 9yr daughter. My family is a not what you'd call supportive friendly or kind so they don't call or come around unless there's something in it for them. I don't have any friends. I am truly alone. It's ok sometimes just on holidays and birthday is when it bothers me the most. I don't have the funds to take a mini vacation or go to nice resturants. I am open to any suggestions though because I dam sure in desperate need of pampering or something just for me. Everything I do or get is always for or about my daughter. Being a single parent is extremely difficult but I get by without complaining. Calgon please take me away! Just saying all that stuff you talked about really only works for the working people, what about everyone else? I may not be employed but I do have stable income.

Anonymous on October 26, 2017:

My birthday use to be very special. After my husband passed away, they have become harder to deal with. I thought maybe this year would be better. I finally found someone special and thought we were going to spend time together.

Today he pulls the rug out from under me by telling me the plans have changed and his daughter will be visiting from out of town.

I told him to just spend the time with her, even though I'm upset.

Bottom line is I shouldn't plan anything on my so called "special day" because it never pans out the way I imagine.

I've decided this year to spend it alone, watching sad movies and a box of kleenex!

Anonymous on October 14, 2017:

Shannon,

Next birthday, YOU get your engagement ring fixed. Put it in a box, wrap it, and label it, "From Your Adoring Husband." Buy a special gift that you really want, like a warm, soft bathrobe. Wrap it up in pretty paper, and label it, "From Your Adoring Boyfriend." haha. Just kidding. ;)