Why You Hate Compliments and How to Feel Good About Them

The #1 Reason You Don't Like Compliments

You certainly weren't born to not like compliments. In early child development, praise and compliments go hand-in-hand with progression and building self-confidence.

Then why do some people like being complimented and others hate it? Let me ask you another question. How's your self-esteem? According to Guy Winch, Ph. D., low self-esteem is the #1 reason we are so quick to reject a compliment.

For example: If you believe that you're a boring person and someone tells you how interesting you are, you're going to feel uncomfortable with hearing this. It just doesn't ring true with your belief system. So you think you're being lied to or that the person is just trying to make you feel better? Deep down inside, you believe that others share the same low opinion about you that you carry around about yourself. Think about this for a minute.

But isn't it possible that someone else may find you interesting and comfortable to be around? Maybe they grew up with parents that yelled a lot, so upon hearing your softer spoken words comes a welcome relief. They want to be around you. They are attracted to you. It's elementary when you stop to think about it.

The bottom line is that how receptive we are to compliments reflects our feelings of self-worth. Now, I'm not saying that everyone on the planet rejects compliments because they have low self-esteem. Many people with a healthy dose of self-worth don't like compliments for other reasons. However, as I said at the beginning of this article, low self-esteem is the #1 reason.

Three Reasons We Dismiss Compliments

If you feel that anyone who compliments you must have a dark, ulterior motive for doing so, or you have a general distrust of people, you may find yourself grouped into one of these three environments:

1. Growing up in an over-critical family causes you to suffer from low self-esteem. You received little praise, so you grew to feel uncomfortable.
2. Being a perfectionist is another reason for not liking compliments. Your expectations are high and unrealistic. You feel that you don't deserve the praise directed to you.
3. Social Anxiety Disorder is a mental disorder that affects your behavior and your emotions. This social phobia is another cause for hating compliments. You avoid situations that might cause you to be the center of attention.

Social phobia affects about 15 million American adults, men, and women, equally.

It's Not Always All About You

The way a person perceives you isn't always just about you. If I'm happy with myself, I'm going to be pleased with you. You don't have to be a celebrity chef for me to enjoy and praise your lasagna. You may feel that you could have done better and that your lasagna needs more spices. At the very moment, you are being critical of yourself, I shout out, "Love your lasagna." But because you're feeling insecure about yourself, you have a hard time believing me.

Well, I've got news for you—it's not about you. I love the taste of your delicious lasagna. It was the best I've ever had. I have a right to share this with you. Get over yourself, accept my compliment, and thank me. I've spoken my truth. If you can't believe me, that's because your insecurities are chatting away inside your head. " I've made this lasagna so much better before."

Are You Oversensitive?

Merriam-Webster defines sensitivity as follows:

• "The tendency to become upset about things that are done to you, are said about you, or relate to you."
• "The capacity of being easily hurt."
• "The quality or state of being hypersensitive."

All three of these definitions applied to me until I learned to stop making assumptions. I lived in a state of being hypersensitive. Depression raised its ugly head in uncontrollable spurts. I even managed to convince myself I knew what other people were thinking about me. (Enter, the ego).

Recommended

How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Move on With Your Life

Then one day, the dark clouds parted, and a light came shining through. This light I speak of came to me in the form of a book entitled The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He talks about making assumptions about what other people are doing or thinking and how we take it personally. We end up creating a whole big drama.

As I read and studied "The Four Agreements," I soon learned to stop taking anything personally. Oh, I slipped a few times, but I kept trying. Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally.

Chapter Four in Ruiz's book begins with "Don't Make Assumptions." He begins: "We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We swear they are real. We make assumptions about other people, about what they are doing and thinking We take it personally. Ruiz explains so clearly that nothing other people do is about you. "The Four Agreements" taught me more about personal freedom, transforming my life, than any other single book. Author, Deepak Chopra, said, "Don Miguel Ruiz's book is a roadmap to enlightenment and freedom.

Wisdom from the Four Agreements (Mini Book)

A Summary of Tips and Facts

• The number 1 reason for hating compliments is due to low self-esteem.
• Growing up in an over-critical environment, you receive little praise, which makes you feel uncomfortable with compliments as you grow older.
• Being a perfectionist place you in a position where you never are 'good enough to deserve a compliment.
• Social Anxiety Disorder affects your behavior and attitudes about receiving compliments. You live in a fear-based situation.
• A given compliment is not always about you. It's about the person giving the praise.
• Learn how to stop 'dismissing' and rejecting compliments.
• Practice accepting compliments and praise in a kind and gentle manner. Just two words are needed, "Thank You."

Ways We Dismiss Compliments

You would think that receiving a compliment is an area where people certainly do not need help. But think about how many times you've heard someone (not you, of course) respond to a compliment this way:

Example 1

• Complimenter: You gave a great talk yesterday.
• Complimentee: It was no big deal . . . it was really ordinary.

Instead of graciously receiving the compliment, it was denied, and the complimenter's judgment was discounted.

Example 2

• Complimenter: That's a great-looking shirt.
• Complimentee: So's yours!

Here, the attention is diverted away from the compliment, and an obligatory compliment is given in return. Do you see what's wrong here? The return compliment feels very stiff and formal. It makes the other person feel uncomfortable for having made the original compliment.

It isn't proper to look for ways to reject or downgrade a compliment. We dismiss the compliment when we do this, which deflects its very significance and value.

Example 3

• Complimenter: You play like a pro.
• Complimentee: Yeah, well, I need to go now.

This time the compliment is entirely ignored, and you come off sounding rude.

Example 4

• Complimenter: You all sounded outstanding tonight.
• Complimentee: Yeah, right. We were one big mess.

How To Accept a Compliment

Learn how to receive kind words. Practice this skill until you get it right.

• The right way to accept a compliment is with pleasure and gratitude. Many people show disrespect to themselves when fumbling for the right words to say. You don't have to do this. Just smile and say, " Thank you. I appreciate that."

• I'll bet you don't realize that it's rude when you don't accept a compliment. It comes close to calling the other person a liar. When someone is complimenting you, try not to find fault with yourself mentally. Concentrate on what they are saying.

• A compliment is like a gift. You wouldn't turn down a gift from someone. That would insult them. All you have to do to accept a compliment is to say "Thank you." Practice doing this.

Don't trash a compliment; bask in it. Absorb the loveliness of the moment.

Tips To Boost Self-Esteem

You measure your level of self-worth through your self-esteem. Self-esteem can apply directly to a specific dimension (I believe I'm a good writer) or (I think I'm a terrible person.)

Wikipedia.org quotes Erik Erikson in speaking of the value of loving oneself, "A person with healthy self-esteem accepts and loves themselves unconditionally, acknowledging both virtues and faults in the self, and yet, despite everything, can continue to love themselves.

Do not confuse this love of self with the shared Narcissistic love of the ego, which is a symptom of low self-esteem.

Wear your self-esteem like armor against the challenges you face each day.

• Stop referring to yourself as "stupid," "ugly" or any other negative reference.
• Choose friends that build you up, not ones that tear you down. A friend will bring out the best in you.
• Learn to forgive yourself. Do not dwell on the negative.
• See situations objectively. "I did the best I could, and I'm proud of myself."
• Volunteer often and contribute to your community which will have a positive effect on your self-esteem.
• Take responsibility and pride in who you are.
• Practice resiliency, assertiveness, and well-being.
• Choose your thoughts carefully as well as your perceptions. Focus on your positive qualities.

Strive for a healthy balance of self-esteem. Avoid a feeling of superiority and arrogance. At the same time, avoid negative, low self-esteem. Isn't it time to like and respect yourself? You deserve happiness and success. You are a unique diamond. Rinse off all negativity and sparkle and shine.

Final Thoughts

Compliments and praise are a natural part of living. Positive feedback is essential for the validation of self-image. I firmly believe this. Have you thought about what compliments are? A compliment is an outward expression of the acceptance and admiration of others. Compliments are positive recognition of things we possess.

These things can be as simple as a piece of clothing or a vehicle, or they may be more complex issues such as appearance, friendliness, or trustworthiness. Most people don't compliment you for the sake of it. They mean what they say.

If someone cares enough to tell you, "great job." accept the compliment with grace and dignity.

Review the following quotes:

"As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are—what others say is irrelevant."―Nic Sheff

"The man who does not value himself cannot value anything or anyone."―Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

Sources

1. An interesting study on the benefit of compliments in the workplace.
2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem_instability
3. LIEBOWITZ SOCIAL ANXIETY SCALE (LSAS-SR)* This measure assesses the way that social phobia plays a role in your life across a variety of situations. Read each situation carefully and answer two questions about that situation. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/social-anxiety-disorder/DS00595/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2014 Audrey Hunt

Comments

Audrey Hunt (author) from Pahrump NV on April 02, 2020:

Sherry

Thanks for reading my article. I'm glad to hear that you're comfortable with receiving compliments now. Good for you! Take good care of yourself.

Hi Rochelle

Many of us feel uncomfortable with being complimented for many reasons - undeserving is the #1 reason. Some, feel that they are not being humble, and others are simply embarrassed.

You are a diamond, Rochelle. You are a treasure. You are a light, so let your light shine. You are a perfect child of God. He created you. Love what He created. Be safe, stay well and blessings to you.

Rochelle Ann De Zoysa from Moratuwa, Sri Lanka on April 01, 2020:

Although getting a compliment is exciting , I too used to think that I'm boring as a person since I don't have a lot to talk about and when I was encouraged to talk by others saying that I'm interesting, I always found it difficult to accept it. Even I had perfectionist quality when in my work as a seamstress I did find it difficult to accept the client's compliment for doing a job well done. I am quick to compliment and encourage others, but my mom says that while I do that, I have a tendency to put myself down which is not healthy. This article is an eye opener for me :) Great work :) Hope you are safe and healthy. Take care and God bless you!

Sherry Haynes on September 02, 2018:

Very well written article. I used to dislike compliments a couple of years ago. Among many reasons, hearing them say that to everybody was one. People just seemed ingenuine. Now I feel its easy to say thank you. I donno what has changed so far but am happy I sound confident and that feels good.

Audrey Hunt (author) from Pahrump NV on March 15, 2015:

ezzly - Many women say this when they receive a compliment. It comes from the feeling that we don't deserve the compliment. But we do. Try to avoid feeling this way. You are beautiful!

ezzly on February 07, 2015:

This is a great read voted up and sharing ! As an Irish woman I'm terrible for shunning compliments, what we do here, if someone says we look nice, we'll say oh I got this outfit in a charity store or something instead of saying thanks !

Audrey Hunt (author) from Pahrump NV on February 03, 2015:

Minnetonka Twin

Thanks for being here and for leaving your thoughts on this subject. Many people just don't know how to compliment, so it comes off sounding ingenuine.

Enjoy your day.

Audrey

Linda Rogers from Minnesota on February 03, 2015:

What a great idea for a hub Audrey. I guess for the most part, I enjoy compliments. The only time I don't like it is when I feel it is ingenuine. Nice article Audrey :)

Audrey Hunt (author) from Pahrump NV on January 11, 2015:

savvydating

Your comments confirm that by my writing this hub, I've helped others and it makes me so happy to hear this!

It truly is about self-esteem isn't it? I appreciate your vote up and useful. Thank you my friend.

Audrey

savvydating on January 11, 2015:

I really liked that you listed the reasons why we have a difficult time accepting compliments. I hadn't thought that perfectionism may be one of the culprits, but it makes sense. You are so right in saying that we should never dismiss a compliment. Generally speaking, most of us don't realize that we are indeed being rude in doing so. This article is a true eye-opener. I appreciate that you've written about this important topic which really is about building better self-esteem, when all is said and done. Up & Useful

Audrey Hunt (author) from Pahrump NV on January 06, 2015:

No problem. This must be frustrating for you. Hope things clear up soon. I've had problems with autocorrect myself.

Debra Allen from West Virginia on January 06, 2015: