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How to Get Closure of Unasked Questions If a Loved One Dies

I’m always fascinated with ways to improve our emotional well-being, eliminate spiritual disharmony, and heal the mind, body, and spirit.

Praying for a loved one who recently died. Here’s how to deal with unanswered questions.

Praying for a loved one who recently died. Here’s how to deal with unanswered questions.

A successful way to have closure when unexpectedly losing a loved one is to imagine a conversation with the deceased.

If you are still grieving the loss, try to imagine visiting the deceased and having a conversation by creating their persona, or psyche, in your mind.

Sometimes people die too soon, and we feel grief without having had closure.

  • Has someone close and dear to you died before you could discuss questions you had wanted to ask?
  • Are you having trouble coping with losing a parent, spouse, or another relative?
  • Do you feel the need to get closure with a deceased loved one?
  • Do you need to resolve some feeling of hurt?
  • Do you need to overcome feelings of guilt for the way you may have treated them?
  • Would you want to have the chance to talk with your Mom or Dad who passed away?

Wherever that imagined visit takes you, you’ll learn something from it that helps with healing when you're seeking closure.

How to Deal With Losing Someone You Love

I had unanswered questions twice in my life after losing a loved one. Once with my father and years later with my Aunt. I didn't have closure because I did not have serious discussions about important issues that troubled me before their deaths.

Fortunately, I discovered this method of imagining a visit, and it helped resolve the grief I felt for not having the conversations I needed to have.

  1. You can still visit someone after death by imagining it in your mind and by scripting a conversation. You can ask questions and determine the answers by using your knowledge of their personality and how they may have responded.
  2. You can recreate their persona, or psyche, in your mind. It's as if you were visiting them to talk, even though they are no longer physically there. You can create the script of the conversation in your mind.

That may help with grief or closure by finding a way to complete those discussions that you wish you had while they were alive.

It can happen passively in a dream. Or you can be more proactive and achieve results consciously by imagining having a conversation with them. I'll discuss both of these ideas.

The Deceased Could Appear in a Dream to Settle Your Mind

When we have dreams of someone who had passed away, it's our way of resolving unfinished business.

Many people experience dreams where the deceased reappears. That seems to be a common phenomenon, and there has to be some psychological meaning with these dreams. They may result from your brain trying to make sense out of an unexpected loss or to resolve emotional issues.

I had an experience with a deceased relative appearing in a dream. It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized the person in my dream had already been dead. However, in my dream, they were very much alive. It’s as if they were immortal in my mind.

Dreams of deceased relatives can occur anytime. They can come back, even decades later, to revisit us in a dream that our subconscious mind creates. For example, my father, who died over 30 years ago, has reappeared in my dreams long after his death.

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In those dreams, he was very much alive. I think that is our brain's way of still working out some form of closure for unresolved issues.

You Can Pretend to Have an Imagined Visit

Imagine meeting with the deceased and having a conversation as if they were there with you.

When we remember loved ones who we lost due to old age or health problems, we most likely visualize them as we last knew them.

It's essential to decide at what age they should be when you visit them in this simulated visit. Many different results can come from this, depending on the age you choose them to be when you imagine this visit. You may want to try visiting them at several different stages in their life so you can discuss things that were pertinent at that time.

I did this when I needed closure with my Aunt after she passed away. I needed to resolve some issues that had been bothering me ever since I was a child. There were questions I never asked during her lifetime about things I wanted to know.

So in my mind, I imagined her at the age I recall her being when I was a kid. Then I pretended to have a conversation with her as if she were there with me.

You can do anything you want in your mind to accomplish this communication with a deceased friend or relative. Do whatever is necessary to help with your grieving or resolve an issue to feel closure.

If you need to resolve unfinished business, you can still accomplish that with a deceased loved one by using your knowledge of how they would have wished to help you. It works. You're in control of the process.

During your pretend visit, pay attention to their expression. Bring their reactions to life in your mind. Try to get in touch with how they used to respond to you as you imagine the conversation in your mind.

Think About What You Need for Closure

Plan your imagined visit by thinking about what you would want to accomplish.

  • What would you ask?
  • What would you want to tell them?
  • What would you expect in return?

Do you just want to have some precious time with them that you feel you missed out on when they were still around?

Was something more troubling to you, and you never made an effort to discuss it when they were alive?

Were they a source of comfort? Do you need that now? Were they the only person you could get that from?

Do you need their approval on some issues that you had never resolved?

Were they critical of you, and you are now ready to understand the reason why? Or did you already resolve that, and you just want to share the news with them? Maybe even thank them for making you aware of something important?

Do you need their input on something going on for you right now that you are anxious about settling? Are they the only person who can help?

If it's unfinished business that you feel you need to resolve, think about how will it affect you if you get the answer you want? Will you be able to handle it if you get a different result out of it?

There are many issues to consider, but you can get a lot out of it by imagining how a discussion with a loved one might go.

Use some idea you have of their attitude to envision what they might tell you and what answers they may have in response to the questions lingering in your mind.

Imagine having a discussion with the one who passed away.

Imagine having a discussion with the one who passed away.

Try This Exercise

  1. Imagine how a discussion with a deceased friend or relative might go.
  2. Imagine the answers you know they would want to share with you.
  3. Let them guide you with those answers in your mind.

To Sum Up

When pretending a visit with your loved one, remember you could have a good idea of how they would respond to various questions by imagining and recreating their psyche. You can determine what they would have told you when they were alive.

Just verbalize those answers in your mind as if you were having a conversation with them today. Your loved one wants to help when you're seeking closure. They will never let you down, dead or alive.

Hopefully you'll achieve peace with clarity for the things you overlooked so that you'll have closure.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: My friend died of cancer without telling me he was dying, how do I find closure?

Answer: Sorry to hear of your friend's death and for your grief. Your situation fits very well with what I explained in this article.

Since your friend did not tell you of their cancer, you probably are in need of getting answers to unasked questions. Try visualizing being with your friend and envision what they might tell you when you ask about their health. Imagine their answers in your mind. Whatever you come up with could help with closure.

Question: I was not allowed to attend my dad's funeral because his executor, who is not blood-related, didn't want me there. I'm sure that was not my dad's wish. How can I get closure?

Answer: This is one of the sad situations when an executor who has issues with family members is chosen. It’s especially troubling when a son or daughter is kept from saying their farewells.

You do need to have closure so that you can move on. Try a virtual visit. Imagine your dad is there in front of you and tell him whatever it is you need to say.

If you have questions you wish he would have answered while alive, try asking anyway in your virtual visit.

Then imagine what he would have answered based on how you knew him—imagine what you think he would have answered.

I discuss all this in detail in the article, along with additional ideas for closure. Review it carefully and give it a chance.

© 2011 Glenn Stok

Comments

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on January 08, 2020:

Shelley Barner - I’m sorry for your loss. If it helps any, I am sure your Mom knows that you would have been there in Johnstown if there was a way for you to get there. She appreciates it that you spent all those days sitting with her before she was moved so far away. You did everything that a loving daughter would do, and more! She knows that! And because of that, she knows how much you love her.

Shelley Barner on January 08, 2020:

I lost my mother a little over a year ago. She fell in the kitchen and hit her head on the floor. This caused a brain bleed that required surgery. She never recovered.

She was awake for about three days but was unable to form words. Then she went to sleep and never woke up again. She remained in that state for a few months. I sat with her every single day until her condition worsened and she was sent to Johnstown. I was unable to travel there to be with her.

She died alone. I hate myself for that. I love her so much. She was my best friend and most awesome mom in the world. I would give anything to be able to tell her that I am so sorry that I wasn't there and I love her so much. I have her ashes in a special place where she is always close by.

I just want to talk to her one more time to tell her I am sorry, I miss her, and I am going to be moving out of our home. I want her to know how much I miss and love her.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 17, 2018:

Jean Bakula - Thank you for that contribution. Those are wonderful additional ideas. I’ve used the letter-writing too, even to people still alive without the intention of actually mailing it. It satisfies the emotions.

Jean Bakula from New Jersey on April 16, 2018:

What a nice article. I often tell people to write a letter to say whatever they feel was left unsaid. I have done it myself and it really does help. I also believe it's best to remember the person the best way you saw them. When I see my husband, I see a collage of him at all different ages, but mostly when we were young. You can meditate too, and think of what you want to say. I think they are listening.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on November 25, 2017:

R Bernard - Sorry for your loss. Even though it was so long ago, he forgives you because you always remember.

R Bernard on November 25, 2017:

Thank You Glenn for this information. My dad past away 3 days after Christmas in 1997. I did not say my final good byes. I did communicated with my dad. He gave me several different signs that he always does. He would smack me in back of head if I was not treating the ladies right especially my mom or the wife. Since I did not give proper good bye, he forgave me on that. I know he will always be with me because I'm a splitting image of him.

mathira from chennai on November 23, 2011:

I could easily relate to this article because I had lost my husband.Though I might have lost him physically, I feel he is still with me spiritually.Whatever problems I might have, I share it with him to this day.

jenubouka on November 22, 2011:

What a great article, I like to think that my deceased loved ones can hear me, and from time to time smile down at me. Voted up!

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on November 20, 2011:

pstraubie48, Thank you for your very meaningful comments. I'm sorry you lost your parents in such as short time (of your life). I can understand how you feel because I also had older parents. My parents were 43 and 46 when I was born.

Patricia Scott from North Central Florida on November 20, 2011:

Thank you for sharing this. I do not think of myself as wacky but I do communicate with my parents...I talk to them and share with them the events that have occurred since they left this planet. My parents were already elderly when I was born so they left the planet when I was much younger than most people's do. It kind of bothered me, no, not kind of, it rankled my ire, when people would say ..o you had them a long time...because they were older (93 and 87)..and I would say...no, the world had them a long time...I did not. So when they passed on, left this planet, I decided I would talk to them and I do. I feel most closely connected to my Mother when I am working in my yard as she was able to make sticks grow.

So thank you for sharing this so others may at least begin to think about talking to their loved ones.

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