Ten Reasons Why People Refuse to Accept Good Advice

Offering Guidance and Advice Is Not Always Easy

Do you feel disappointed when you try to help a friend or colleague with their struggles, and they continue to make their lives miserable?

It's helpful to understand why some people choose not to take advice that could help them decide the best approach to an issue they are having. So this article aims to explain why we can’t always help people with advice.

1. They Just Want to Complain

When a friend asks me for advice because they are not satisfied with something that’s happening in their life, I tell them that they are the architect of their own life and they can find new ways to create the future they would want to have. That’s how creative people solve existing issues.¹

In addition, I guide them to make a plan and consider it an obligation toward their future. Some people get it and work on it. However, others think they are doing everything right, and they continue to stay with their turmoil and desire to merely keep complaining about their lives.

2. They Want Advice That Matches Their Values

Everyone follows their desired path in life based on a personal value system. They are strict about their feelings and usually will never deviate from their values. Therefore, if advice does not agree with their values, they will reject it—no matter how good it is.

Just because your advice is based on personal experience proven to be valid for yourself, it doesn’t make it worthwhile for someone else. Therefore, you can only successfully give advice if it’s consistent with their beliefs and values.

3. They Need Evidence of the Benefits

One will hesitate to accept advice when they don’t know if it’s good or bad. Intelligent people might be more difficult to help because they want evidence that it’s beneficial, and you can’t blame them for that.

Therefore, a plan for advice needs to be well-rounded and complete with clearly stated positive outcomes. So if it’s not thorough with positive conclusions, you’ll have difficulty convincing someone of its benefits.

4. They Might Fear the Results

When one has a fear of the unknown, they might avoid following advice even if given by an experienced mentor.

The only way to help someone stricken by fear is to show them the outcome with some method of visualization. However, that doesn’t always work. But if it matters enough, one might get past their fear and work on the changes required to achieve a specific goal.

5. They Don’t Want to Admit They are Wrong

Admitting they are wrong destroys their ego, and they need to protect their self-esteem. So when someone needs to be right all the time and you show them they are wrong, they get angry because they no longer have an excuse.

To that point, there are three things affecting them:

1. They need to have some kind of an excuse to feel better about their actions.
2. They will never admit that anything else is better than what they were doing.
3. They would rather believe their failure is due to something beyond their control.

As a result, they want the satisfaction of hearing someone agree that they are doing everything right and not the reason for their problems. Unfortunately, I find that I can't do much to help them in that case.

Recommended

How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Move on With Your Life

6. Advice From an Authority Figure Can Be Threatening

Some people have an issue with authority figures. They will reject your advice if that's how you're coming across. And for a good reason.

Therefore, try to determine if you are the problem. For example, are you trying to change the other person based on your own judgment or opinion? That’s not a good thing.

However, if you genuinely know how to make things better and believe you have useful guidance to offer, then it's necessary to present it in a non-threatening way. In other words, it’s best not to lecture.

7. People Will Ignore Advice When in Denial

People don’t recognize the seriousness of their situation when they are in denial, so they might ignore any advice. No matter what we do to guide them, they will avoid accepting it.

It's possible that they will continue fooling themselves until they get over it and can get past the roadblock they set up for themselves.

Unfortunately, I never found a way to get through that. The more I tried, the more I realized I was upsetting the person I was attempting to help. When people are in denial, it's best to save our energy and leave them alone—sad to say.

8. Some People Just Need to Vent

Some people are upset about past failures. They dwell on it, complain about it, and look for others who will help them rationalize the terrible situation they’re in. They do that rather than move forward.

They can’t look to the future. Therefore, they don’t listen when one tries to help them improve or correct some aspect of their lives.

It's best to explain this with an example. I had a friend who always struggled with almost everything in her life. I saw her pattern was due to her failure to take charge of essential details. She was deeply in debt and couldn’t pay the mortgage. She had some equity in her home, so I told her to sell it before the bank foreclosed.

She got upset with me and said she’d rather have recognition for what she can do right instead of being told what she’s doing wrong. She completely misunderstood my intention and refused to do anything about it.

I realized she needed to vent about her problems and not hear any viable solutions. That was not what she needed, but it was what she wanted.

She didn’t want to take responsibility for the way she was handling things. And she didn’t see the benefit of doing what I was suggesting. She just wanted to tell me her problems and have me listen.

You can see how frustrating that can be for someone who wants to help a friend in need. But if one would rather not hear solutions, we need to leave them alone. Some people merely need to vent and have someone listen to feel that their attitudes are validated.²

Hopefully, when they are ready for change, they will ask for help—if not too late.

9. They Can’t Commit to Helping Themselves

Some people are not interested in doing what's necessary to achieve their goals. So giving guidance in those cases goes unaccepted, and I notice years later that these types of people are still in the same place they were at the start.

We can't do anything to help those who have a lack of desire to get ahead. If you know someone with that attitude, who never appreciates the reasoning behind specific tasks, it’s best to stay away and avoid trying to help them. They won’t take action on the advice anyway, and worse, they’ll blame you for anything that goes wrong.

10. They Think They Know It Better

I had an experience with someone who asked me to tell her how to handle a troublesome situation in her life. Despite my explaining what to do, she kept complaining about her horrible situation and never followed through with my suggestions.

She didn't understand the ramifications of her actions and insisted on continually trying to solve her problem her way. Therefore it became clear to me that she thought she knew better. So, unfortunately, she kept making things worse.

After much effort in guiding her, I realized I needed to avoid such a person because she began to drag me into her messed up situation.

Key Takeaway

Even though people come to us for advice, they may not be ready to accept critical guidance. They may think they want help, but they end up rejecting it when unhealthy attitudes affect their judgment.

In those cases, it could be best to avoid the confrontation entirely.

“I can only show you the door.”

That line from the 1999 movie “The Matrix” makes it clear how advice can only be useful when the receiver accepts it. I’ll leave you with that movie snippet as a conclusion to this discussion.

Additional Reading

• Self-Destructive Attitudes With Refusing Practical Advice

References

1. Kevin Daum. (Sept 3, 2014). “8 Things Really Great Problem Solvers Do” - Inc.com
2. Jennifer Artesani Blanks. (February 9, 2017). “How to (NOT) Give Advice” - Psych Central

© 2020 Glenn Stok

Comments

Riffat Junaid from Pakistan on July 25, 2020:

Great article Glenn Stok, you are right sometime we want to help others but couldn't due to their behavior.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on May 21, 2020:

Adrienne, That's interesting how the same problem applies to dog owner's attitudes with their pets. Thanks for mentioning that.

Adrienne Farricelli CPDT-KA, Dip.CBST from USA on May 21, 2020:

Hi Glenn,

This was a great for me. As a dog trainer, it can sometimes happen that some dog owners may not be willing to make changes in their behaviors in order to help their dogs. This read helped me understand what defense mechanisms may be at play.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on May 14, 2020:

FlourishAnyway - Those are definitely things that cause trouble with accepting good advice. Confirmation bias is a complex problem that causes people to use untested information to confirm their beliefs. Thanks for mentioning that.

Elaina Baker from USA on May 14, 2020:

You give excellent options. I’d say my first choice would be confirmation bias — the need to hear that your idea is the correct plan of action. Decision paralysis may also be a factor.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 06, 2020:

Dora Weithers - I can see that you have a knack for self reflection. That capability helps appreciate the underlying factors involved with taking or rejecting advice.

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on April 06, 2020:

Thanks for sharing your insights on this matter. You help us be realistic about why people, including ourselves, may reject good advice. There are so many underlying factors which we may not take the time to consider, but now we know that we should.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 06, 2020:

Venkatachari - It’s true that we can’t do anything for them when they don’t want to hear other options. Unfortunately, these are the same kind of people who can’t do anything for themselves either, since they don’t want to entertain solutions that could work.

Venkatachari M from Bangalore, India on April 05, 2020:

This is an interesting point discussed here by you, Glenn.

It's true that most people do not like advice if it goes against their wishes and presumptions. We can't do anything for them.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 04, 2020:

Pamela Oglesby - I agree. I only offer advice when it's asked for. But even then, many people don't want to accept it for the reasons discussed.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on April 04, 2020:

This article is sure interesting. I am sure all of te reasons you listed apply to people who don't listen to advice. I never offer advice unless it is asked for dur to all the difficulties you listed.

Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 04, 2020:

Liz Westwood - Yes, that's a common problem too. It's similar to the example I gave of the friend who wanted acknowledgement. She had her mind set on letting the bank take her house, and she couldn't see any other solution even when it was clearly presented to her.

Liz Westwood from UK on April 04, 2020:

This is an interesting article. I wonder if some people don't follow advice, because they come to you with their minds set on a course of action. They are actually looking for you to affirm their choice, not to advise differently.